Dolly's Dreamings

The last step has started

It's been a busy week of appointments from DEXA scans to dentistry and then my radiotherapy planning appointment.

And what was I most nervous about - the dentist of course. I have had big pieces chopped out of my boobs and not paniced and a dentist trip still freaks me out. She had found some decay on my recent x ray and so it needed filling and even she said 'goodness that was a lot deeper than I thought!' Thankfully it didn't hurt and hasn't hurt since. Better filled than not I guess.

Yesterday I had my CT planning appointment. Another new department of the hospital to explore. The radiotherapy girls were, like all of the staff, just lovely. They were very calming and patient, went through lots of info first and even discussed anastrazole with me. They didn't seem to think it was a problem if I came off it. And I was reassured that it was on my records that I was considering stopping it - so the oncologist WAS listening after all.

You then do the radiotherapy planning which involves lying in a fixed position under the scanner where every single bit is measured and marked up and logged and computerised and then you are scanned and then you have three little dots tattooed on you for ever. Another reminder of the cancer journey. They made it as easy as possible but 15 minutes lying down with your arms above and behind your head holding onto a bar was quite challenging. I am glad I did all the breast and arm exercises - this is why they tell you you have to do them.

Our reward was very naughty - a Macdonalds breakfast! Something we almost never do and a wicked but enjoyable treat however - whilst I totally get the need for cardboard cutlery as it is helping save the planet. What I DON'T get is how can they possibly produce forks that won't hold whilst you try to cut soft pancakes

Other than hospitals we have had a few trips out and generally a nice few days. My radiotherapy starts later this month and once that is done I can start to put the last 5 months behind me. It's been quite the roller coaster.

This is a new digital page made for a challenge listing the many things I am thankful for through that whole journey

 

 

 

I have never painted a portrait before - this was for a challenge and kind of worked. It was very quick to do

and this was another digital page - a new release from Palvinka at Pickleberrypop

 

 

and this was for another challenge

 

Today I am thankful for

• nearly all of the medical appointments done
• kindness of NHS staff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow is O day mark 2

So, after a rushed two days … I still can’t believe it’s happening … tomorrow is operation day mark 2. 

so many people have worked so hard to get this to happen. The three Macmillan  nurses are just utterly wonderful girls … all of them. At the team meeting they pushed for me to get the theatre slot that suddenly opened up. I was worried at first that it wasn’t only at a different hospital but a different surgeon. Having said that I have since found out my surgeon wouldn’t have done my op on my original scheduled day of 31st as she is on holiday. Apparently my new surgeon is lovely, he trained under my current surgeon and is highly respected. 

So many people have moved things, altered things to get me admitted, consented, pre op ready in just two days. There was a lady today who was following us round departments simply to collate all of my paperwork to then be taxied over to the other hospital. I have said numerous times we are blessed beyond belief to have our NHS. The two hospitals in adjacent towns are part of the same trust so that makes it simpler I guess. 

today I had the nuclear medicine injected as I will not have time tomorrow. Gosh that stung and it’s a bit tasty even now. Tomorrows op is bigger as they will remove more to get clear margins plus I have to have sentinel lymph nodes removed to be checked. I will have blue dye injected to follow the nuclear tracer and apparently will look blue … and wee blue! I am scared about the lymph nodes. I gather it is more painful and I fear so much developing lymphoedema… I so hope I don’t. 

But … the cancer has to go, the lymph nodes have to be checked, any finding have to be dealt with … I am lucky it was picked up early on a routine mammogram, I am lucky it is still only stage 1 cancer, I am lucky I was fitted in much earlier than expected, I am lucky that there are such lovely people supporting me at the hospital, I am lucky that I have had so many friends and family all over the world praying for me and rooting for me, I am lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side through it all and I am blessed to have faith and know that God has this and He has me and will give me the strength to face whatever lies ahead. 

So no, it’s not fab to be diagnosed with breast cancer, to have surgeries and have a long recovery and treatment plan ahead, it’s not fab to be this scared but there is also so much to be grateful for. God willing, I will see you on the other side.xx 

 

Surfer Dudes and snowy scenes

After lots of wind and rain - which is back today - yesterday was a lovely day. It was predicted to be showers and very windy but we seemed to miss them and saw lots of blue sky. Nigel decided today's walk - through Bournmouth gardens to the pier and the beach. It was lovely and definitely not windy. The surfer dudes had clearly seen the same weather forecast as we had though and there were more than 20 congregated round the pier trying to catch some good waves. There were some big breakers but I think they were probably disappointed there were not more. They were all in the same place which seemed a bit silly to be honest as they kept bumping into each other and it did cause a couple of altercations.

 

The little black dots are all the surfers

 

 

 

 

 Looking back the other way towards home

 

 

I have actually scrapped too!! Some of it I can't share but some I can

 

Nigel bought me this new Simple Stories collection for Christmas and it was perfect for a Narnia page

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was for the mystery box challenge at Pickleberrypop

 

 

I have had to suspend a lot of my DT commitments for the next couple of months. I am still in pain from operation 1 and - providing it goes ahead on 31st January, much of February will be recuperating from operation 2 which is a bigger operation this time, and then hopefully, if things have gone well, I might be starting the radio therapy in March which I gather will leave me very tired. But I hope that is the scenario and we don't go with the worse option of things not being good and having to go down the chemotherapy route. I just wish they would put the date in stone. It is still 'provisional' and is still 3 weeks away. Which I know in the scheme of things isn't huge but when you know you have something bad inside you it seems like forever.

Today I am thankful that

• we had a lovely day out yesterday
• the beach
• positive thinking - I am working HARD on it

 

I am not a huge fan of tattoos (though I understand I get a teeny one before radiotherapy!!) but these are amazing works of art.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yet more bad news

Well it transpires that what we understood from the hospital wasn't quite right. My lovely MacMillan Nurse rang today.

 

I WILL have lymph node biopsies (which means removing the lymph nodes) They will try and find the sentinel lymph node but the previous operation might have disrupted the flow. In which case the might remove two or three but hopefully not all of them as 'that has quite important consequences'

My operation is scheduled for 31st January, almost 2 months since the last one and I fear what may have happened in that time.  I have sobbed, I have felt angry but at the end of the day there is absolutely nothing I can do. I cannot change the date, the treatment plan or the outcome so I can either mope and sob and scream and be angry until the 31st or I can just get on with life because the outcome will e the same no matter what. So that is what I plan to try to do. It's not easy, but I will try. Because I can't live another 25 days in this state.

 

On to other things because Lord only know there has to be other things.

Yesterday - before we knew the lymph node stuff when I still felt positive - we went to see the Narnia exhibition at Mottisfont and it was magical.

Cue photo overload

Little wardrobes were included in the decor at the entrance and there was a wardrobe gate

 

There were wardrobes int he woods with scenes like this one of Mr Tumnus' House

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inside it was all Narnia themed so beautifully

 

Peter and Edmund's room

 

Lucy and Susan's

The wardrobe into Narnia

 

and going through the wardrobe

 

 

 

 

 

 

They had an exhibition of the original illustrations which are rarely seen outside the USA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and the Whistler Room became Cair Paravel and Aslan's room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a truly magical experience.

 

No scrapping I can share yet

 

But I do have some art

 

 

Today I am thankful for

• having this dreadful thing picked up early to give me a fighting chance
• faith - it is all, alongside Nigel, that is keeping me going

 

If you are a praying type - pray I find the strength to get through this both physically and emotionally. I need all the help I can get 

Results Day

So totday had seemed like an awfully long time coming but finally, results day was here.

I had genuinely been able to put it to the back of mind over the Christmas period because it had been in the distance, but after Christmas it became pretty much all consuming. It weighed heavily. I knew there were three possible outcomes. First – best case scenario – it had all been removed, good margins and I could proceed to the next stage of radiotherapy. Second scenario would be that they hadn’t got clear margins, but it wasn’t invasive and I would need a further surgery.  Third and worst case scenario was that they hadn’t managed to remove it all and they had found invasive cells. I dreaded number three and we had all hopes pinned on number 1.

Turns out there was a 4^th scenario after all.

The consultant said the area had been larger than they had first thought  2cm rather than 1.7 – and she had taken a bit more than that. However, the margins were not clear and so I would need further surgery to remove a bit more to make sure she got clear margins she was happy with. However, the tissue they had removed had had two small areas where the cells had changed and become invasive. They were 2mm and 0.4 mm which sounds tiny but I am guessing it only takes one rogue cell. She said it was possible that it hadn’t gone anywhere else but she wanted to check the lymph nodes and stage one was an ultra sound and if that flagged up anything it would be a lymph node needle biopsy and then perhaps a sentinel node biopsy when they did the second surgery although that wasn’t always a success after the first surgery as surgery disrupted the flow and if that was the case she would take biopsies from several of the lymph nodes. We were crushed. It was not the news we had hope for.

You hear in the press, and from the staff themselves, that the NHS is in utter crisis, and it is. But they are still absolutely blinking marvellous. They told me they would do the ultra sound today and that it was a long wait but they WOULD do it. Sure enough we waited and they saw us. The consultant was the same who had done a previous ultra sound and she remembered me. She, and the nurse in with her, was lovely and kind and thorough. I had been very stoic through all of it but when she said she couldn’t see anything of concern I burst into tears and pretty much cried all the way out. The nurse even shed a few tears.

The thing is you don’t feel ill, you have no pain, no illness, but something inside you is bad and could ultimately kill you. It’s such an odd thing. And you put on a  brave face. You focus on getting well, on not worrying and being brave and then suddenly and inevitably it all pours out of you. I haven’t shed many tears over this whole thing – very few occasions – but today I sobbed. It was upset at the news, relief it wasn’t evident in lymph nodes, fear of another surgery etc.

As far as I understand it now – and we may have this wrong – the next step will be just surgery on the breast (gosh how can I say JUST surgery on the breast) and then radiotherapy. The consultant thought the op may be in January but they are in crisis. All cancer treatments were cancelled yesterday due to staff shortages so who knows.

Meanwhile I remain so grateful that we have an NHS at all, that we have routine mammograms here, that they can spot things you could never feel, that the staff are kind and caring and efficient. I am grateful that I am older and have had a good life should anything untoward happen. In the waiting room with us, seeing he same surgeon, was a young Polish lady – no more than 30 – with a little daughter. How much worse it must be for someone young with a child. Then in the ultrasound waiting room was an elderly lady in a hospital gown in a wheelchair. She had catheter bags, was on oxygen and was waiting or a breast scan. We think she also had mild dementia. How dreadful for her to be going through this alongside all the other things she was clearly dealing with. So we are grateful for so much. Yes scared of the next step, yes anxious about possible delays, but so much to be grateful for.

Onto happier things.

There is a new collection over at Picklebrrypop today (I'm not often in the mood for scrapping these days to be honest)

Credits

Into the Woods Bundle by Just Because Studio

 

 

Yesterday at art we were painting pots of our own design. It wasn't my favourite as it was with acrylics which I really really don't like. But heck.

This is mine and yes of course it had cats - just bigger ones

 

 

and this is a page I made yesterday for my iconic America album

 

 

 

 

Today I am thankful for

• getting through the day
• our NHS
• good news from the ultra sound - goodness we needed some good news
• my Nigel - I couldn't do any of this without him. I pray I never have to try.

 

 

Back the other side

Firstly can I say a huge huge thank you to so many people. People who have sent comments, messages, and support. People who have been through this awfulness themselves, people who have been praying for me, thinking of me, supporting me. I cannot begin to tell you how much that all means.

 

Thursday was pretty grim. I won't go into all the details, not least because sitting here typing isn't easy either. The inserting of the wire was problematic and the consultant had to be fetched to help, but despite the pain it was in. The operation took place at 2 pm and despite my fears about the anaesthetic, I didn't die! I have no idea how well it went and have a four week wait for results to find out if they got it or if I need further surgery, but step one is complete. I am bruised and sore. I wasn't as sore as I thought I would be until today and I think I may have tried to do a bit too much. Quite frankly the nice relaxing bath was a hell of an ordeal. Nigel has been wonderful, doing everything for me and with me. The oramorph helps me sleep though as a side sleeper it is really hard sleeping on my back. The post surgery bras are as ugly as hell but are my supportive friends.  My jaw and throat are starting to heal too. I think they had to crack my jaw, possibly even dislocate it, to get the tube in as the TMJ means it doesn't open well. The pain was awful and s still bad even though dulled by painkillers for the breast and I complained of a very sore throat which, when Nigel looked at it with a torch was quite the sight as it is very very badly bruised inside. However, I am grateful to all of the staff; the doctor, the consultant, the radiologists, the breast nurses, everyone. They do this day in day out and that is reassuring. We have now agreed to try and forget about it until after Christmas. Worrying wont change the results. They will be what they will be and whatever the Lord has planned for us we will deal with it.

But thank you all because your support helped.

Obviously I haven't scrapped but I have scrapping I had done ahead of schedule for a design team slot at Scrap a Sketch and design team work at Pickleberrypop

 

This was my take on Lisa's gorgeous sketch at Scrap a Sketch

 

 

 

 

 

Pickleberrypop have their stuff your stocking event and there are two amazing collaboration kits up for grabs if you spend $10 or $20

 

 

 

 

 

 

and here are my pages - the first with kit 1 and the second with kit 2

 

 

 

do check out these amazing freebies.

 

Today I am thankful for

• all of your good wishes and prayers, comments and messages, they meant so much
• our wonderful NHS
• a husband who is just so incredibly utterly marvellous

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty much prepared

 

So tomorrow is D day - or should I say O for operation day. I am very very nervous; nervous about the anaesthetic, nervous about how much they will take, nervous about is they will get all of the cancer and nervous about how I will cope with an 8 hour wait. I have to be in at 7.15 and Nigel cannot come in with me and my op is late afternoon. I gather I will be sitting in a chair in the day surgery unit for all of that time which will drive me absolutely bonkers. I am hoping they will let me go for a walk, although I do have a little diversion at 10.30 when I go to the breast unit to have another mammogram and have the wire inserted pre-surgery. I gather that hurts!

 

My sad little bag with a book, slippers, dressing gown, paperwork, my post surgery bra (now my my that is a sexy old item!) and the only blouse I own as I have to have something that buttons up the front.

Prayers welcome for tomorrow readers. I will see you all the other side, god willing.

So on to happier things - I have a mess of stuff to share.

I have been doing my December daily journal as always - its a bit of a different affair this year, not least because we have been isolating in readiness and so haven't been anywhere much or done much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Both of the days use a scrap squad lift for the day.

I also have a little bit of painting to share - something very quick and simple but great fun

 

and a digital page too

Credits

A Captured snowflake collection by Dutch Dream Designs

 

 

 

Please, if prayer is what you do, pray all goes smoothly tomorrow and if prayer isn't your thing, cyber hugs are very very welcome.

 

Today I am thankful for

• our NHS
• the support of so many many friends - I feel so blessed
• my faith - it is what has kept us going the past few weeks

 

 

A round up of my classes

I can now share the classes I made for A Trip Down Memory Lane last month. Even after all of these years I still find doing these classes stressful, hoping people like them. I never pick what my class papers will be and so there is excitement when the parcel comes and I open the box to see what I am creating classes with.

Anyway, I digress enough. These are the three class pages from November.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have also done today's journal page. After a rough tearful day yesterday today I am focussing on the fact I cannot do anything about my situation, I have to pass the burden over to God and let the doctors do their things. It's not easy but I am trying hard. And I'd like to thank all the people who read here who have taken time to message me - it means such a lot.

 

and I did a digital page too

 

Credits

Hello December Bundle by et designs

 

 

Today I am thankful for

• positivity - sometimes hard to find but it is there
• my bestie ringing to check on me every day
• Nigel's cold almost gone. I can't wait for a hug!

 

Scrapping and painting for mindfulness

Well the way I see it - and I confess I don't always see it like this but I am really trying - a month ago I didn't know there was anything wrong with me. I don't feel any different, I don't feel ill, I have no pain, I just have something living inside of me. I wouldn't have known if there wasn't free screening so I am lucky. It might all be removed in op 1 (it might not but it MIGHT), it might still be non invasive (I so hope so) and I might be OK.

I can do absolutely NOTHING about it. The doctors know what they are doing, they are skilled at their job and they do this all the time. I just need to tip up on the day.

God has this.

I believe everything is part of his plan. I might not be able to see what that plan is but there is one and He has me - and Nigel - in His care and is surrounding us with love and his infinite grace. So I have two choices. I can cry (as I did a lot today because it all got on top of me) or I can pick myself up, enjoy doing what we are doing in the next few days (its very quiet as we are isolating and Nigel is even sleeping in another room because of his cough and I can't afford to get sick) and forget about it because I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.

I am sure there will be other rocky days but I have given myself a stern talking to and it is pointless just moping around when, apart from a little bit of baddness inside, I am perfectly well.

 

 

So I have been or a walk, I have painted and I have scrapped and now I'm going to sit down and watch mindless TV

 

This is for the event over at Scrap a Sketch and was the second of the special sketches.

 

 

 

 

 

and this is my December Journal (It is poignant this year though I also have a written journal I am keeping)

 

 

 

This is page 1 which was also using a  sketch from Scrap Squad 12 days of Christmas - there is a big pull out sheet explaining why my journal is different this year.

 

 

 

 

 

This is Day 2 using another Scrap Squad sketch

 

 

 

 

and this is Day 3 which is another Scrap a Sketch sketch

 

 

and these are my first three advent calendar pictures - a class gifted by my best friend ... they are tiny - just about 1.5" square

 

 

 

 

Today I am thankful for

• faith
• courage
• resilience
• Nigel
• scrapping therapy

 

Finally feel able to share the news

We have had a rocky few weeks here due to health issues I felt I couldn't share until I had more information. I apologise for the deatail of this but those who read often know that primarily this is a blog for me to record my ady to day and is like my on line diary. So its far more than you need but it is a record for me to look back on.

On 12th October I attended my routine mammogram. For my US readers, in the UK we are offered screening mammograms every three years after we reach a certain age (40 I think) It was as uncomfortable as usual but done and dusted quickly and it is so good we have these tests offered.

Ten days later I received a worrying letter saying I had to go to the Breast Screening unit on a recall and the letter, whilst detailed about where to go and what to do made it clear that lots of women are called back and it can be for all sorts of reasons and most of the time is nothing to worry about. I should expect to be there for 4 hours and may like to take someone with me. It was a hard wait for another week until that appointment on 31st October.

They were absolutely lovely at the breast screening unit - as our wonderful NHS staff always are. I cannot speak highly enough about them. It was a little alarming when we were first called in that we were taken to the quiet lounge by one of the breast care nurses which immediately put us on edge that this wasn't fabulous news. She explained that the mammogram had shown up some micro-calcification which many women my age had and usually it was absolutely nothing to worry about but they always checked it out further. This calcification happens in the ducts of the breast where cells are so tightly packed together some get no blood supply and calcify. The reason they check it is that these calcifications can stay there for years totally harmless, but sometimes they change and they become malignant. However, even if that happens it is a non invasive form of cancer.

I had five further mammograms including some under high magnification and then I saw a consultant and was given an ultra sound and then, in the mammogram machine, I had a small incision and 6 biopsies taken. At the end, bruised and scared, I was seen again in the quiet lounge and told they had made an appointment for me on 16th November to get the biopsy results but I really should not worry.

Those two weeks were hard as we worried what the results would be but by the time we went we had both convinced ourselves everything was going to be fine.It would be nothing.

On arrival at the breast unit on 16th we were again taken into the quiet room. Now I have a fear of these quiet spaces as it is forever indelibly connected to when I was taken into one and they told me my Mom had died, very suddenly, at 58. So it is an irrational fear, but a fear just the same. So I was already nervous. However, we were both shocked when we went in and there were three different nurses there. We both knew that wasn't normal and didn't look good.

They explained that the biopsy had come back positive, the cells were malignant and I had ductal carcinoma in situ. DCIS. They explained that the cells were not invasive and that it was very treatable. I would see a breast surgeon on 30th November and they would be removed. We were more than shocked and probably didn't ask the questions we should have asked. They were very kind and reassuring and we were told this is ver common (well lst time they said being normal was very common and this was much rarer!) and it would be fine.

We came home in shock and then started to read up on it, both the booklets they gave us and the internet. It is indeed quite common but it is breast cancer and it can become invasive if left. The treatment is usually lumpectomy or mastectomy depending on the size and grade and might be followed with radiotherapy and hormone therapy.  We spent the two weeks alternating between 'it will be absolutely fine to its going to be a total removal.

By the time yesterday came and we saw the breast surgeon we had a list of questions but were feeling very optimistic.

The breast surgeon, an expert in her field and the clinical lead for the whole of Dorset, was quite matter of fact and a bit severe, as many consultants are. I think they have to be a bit matter of fact and detatched as they do this all day long and it must be a pretty grim job. Also in the room with us was Paula, my assigned Macmillan nurse who is just lovely and will be my support through every step.

She checked what we knew and then explained I would have surgery to remove the affected tissue. There are three grades of DCIS and sadly mine is the highest grade, grade 3, which means it is more likely to become invasive. She also said that she could not guarantee it wasn't invasive until the operation and that it might be two surgeries as they do the first operation, check the margins and if any cells are found have to do a second operation. So that was an additional worry that it was Grade 3. This means a full course of radiotherapy too. Nasty side effects of that one. Furthermore the malignant cells can be oestrogen positive or negative. Of course, mine were positive, which means I will be on hormone treatment for the next 5 - 10 years. That is the bit that upset me most of all. My mom died aged 58 very suddenly. They believe the heart attack was caused by the HRT she had just started taking as she had undiagnosed angina. Had they known she would not have been given it. As a result I stopped the pill immediately as I didn't want any hormones that were not my own in my body and I refused HRT  going through the menopause. So the idea of taking hormone therapy, which has nasty side effects from hot flushes to sickness right through to osteoporosis and blood clots is something that, either rationally or not, fills me with utter dread. Cut bits off my boob, or indeed all of my boob, its OK, but the hormone therapy terrifies me.

She examined me and then we really started on the merry-go-round.

I was told my operation would have been the 15th December but that this day was one of the nurses' strike days.  So they would try and get me in on 8th December but it could easily be the 29th December instead. So the delay was terrifying. This was high grade and I might need to wait a month for surgery and, on past form of worst-case scenario at each step of the way, the 29th seemed the most likely.  Paula set up an appointment for us on Friday 2nd to go through questions, details and consent and then I was taken to pre-op. I was told to fill in forms and they would set up a pre-op appointment. We were beginning to feel we would be living at the hospital.

However they saw me for the pre-op appointments straight away as the form said the op was possibly 8th December. I had an ecg which was fine but my blood pressure, always low and often struggling to hit 120, was 170/80. I was horrified but they said they would do it again in a few minutes. It was one of the electric machines and it was still high at 165/78. They said it was to be expected as I had had bad news.

When I saw the main nurse she took it the old-fashioned way and it was down to 145/78 which was high but better and she said she wasn't worried about it. I didn't need to have blood tests as I'd had them recently and she could access those records. She said she wasn't concerned and I was clear for surgery.

Off then to find a post operation bra that was front fastening and then home, shocked and more than a little terrified. The best news we had all day came at 5pm when Paula rang - we feared she was ringing with more bad news - to say my operation would definitely be on 8th December, just a week away.

 

So there we are. It is now offical - and horrible - I have breast cancer but they believe it is unlikely to have spread (you can understand me not trusting that) and is treatable and manageable. Nigel has a bad cold (it's not covid we keep on checking) so I am staying clear of him and after he has been to the shops today we are then isolating for the week to ensure I stay well.

I have been blessed with so many messages from friends and family, offers of help and support, love and prayers. I feel very blessed it was caught so early, very blessed it is being dealt with swiftly and very blessed to have so many people rooting for me.

 

I apologise if the blog focuses on this journey (I hate that word but it seems to fit) a little too much in the coming weeks, but as I said, it is my record for me so please feel free to skip reading. I promise I will still post pretty scrapping pictures.