So totday had seemed like an awfully long time coming but finally, results day was here.
I had genuinely been able to put it to the back of mind over the Christmas period because it had been in the distance, but after Christmas it became pretty much all consuming. It weighed heavily. I knew there were three possible outcomes. First – best case scenario – it had all been removed, good margins and I could proceed to the next stage of radiotherapy. Second scenario would be that they hadn’t got clear margins, but it wasn’t invasive and I would need a further surgery. Third and worst case scenario was that they hadn’t managed to remove it all and they had found invasive cells. I dreaded number three and we had all hopes pinned on number 1.
Turns out there was a 4th scenario after all.
The consultant said the area had been larger than they had first thought 2cm rather than 1.7 – and she had taken a bit more than that. However, the margins were not clear and so I would need further surgery to remove a bit more to make sure she got clear margins she was happy with. However, the tissue they had removed had had two small areas where the cells had changed and become invasive. They were 2mm and 0.4 mm which sounds tiny but I am guessing it only takes one rogue cell. She said it was possible that it hadn’t gone anywhere else but she wanted to check the lymph nodes and stage one was an ultra sound and if that flagged up anything it would be a lymph node needle biopsy and then perhaps a sentinel node biopsy when they did the second surgery although that wasn’t always a success after the first surgery as surgery disrupted the flow and if that was the case she would take biopsies from several of the lymph nodes. We were crushed. It was not the news we had hope for.
You hear in the press, and from the staff themselves, that the NHS is in utter crisis, and it is. But they are still absolutely blinking marvellous. They told me they would do the ultra sound today and that it was a long wait but they WOULD do it. Sure enough we waited and they saw us. The consultant was the same who had done a previous ultra sound and she remembered me. She, and the nurse in with her, was lovely and kind and thorough. I had been very stoic through all of it but when she said she couldn’t see anything of concern I burst into tears and pretty much cried all the way out. The nurse even shed a few tears.
The thing is you don’t feel ill, you have no pain, no illness, but something inside you is bad and could ultimately kill you. It’s such an odd thing. And you put on a brave face. You focus on getting well, on not worrying and being brave and then suddenly and inevitably it all pours out of you. I haven’t shed many tears over this whole thing – very few occasions – but today I sobbed. It was upset at the news, relief it wasn’t evident in lymph nodes, fear of another surgery etc.
As far as I understand it now – and we may have this wrong – the next step will be just surgery on the breast (gosh how can I say JUST surgery on the breast) and then radiotherapy. The consultant thought the op may be in January but they are in crisis. All cancer treatments were cancelled yesterday due to staff shortages so who knows.
Meanwhile I remain so grateful that we have an NHS at all, that we have routine mammograms here, that they can spot things you could never feel, that the staff are kind and caring and efficient. I am grateful that I am older and have had a good life should anything untoward happen. In the waiting room with us, seeing he same surgeon, was a young Polish lady – no more than 30 – with a little daughter. How much worse it must be for someone young with a child. Then in the ultrasound waiting room was an elderly lady in a hospital gown in a wheelchair. She had catheter bags, was on oxygen and was waiting or a breast scan. We think she also had mild dementia. How dreadful for her to be going through this alongside all the other things she was clearly dealing with. So we are grateful for so much. Yes scared of the next step, yes anxious about possible delays, but so much to be grateful for.
Onto happier things.
There is a new collection over at Picklebrrypop today (I'm not often in the mood for scrapping these days to be honest)
Credits
Into the Woods Bundle by Just Because Studio
Yesterday at art we were painting pots of our own design. It wasn't my favourite as it was with acrylics which I really really don't like. But heck.
This is mine and yes of course it had cats - just bigger ones
and this is a page I made yesterday for my iconic America album
Today I am thankful for
- getting through the day
- our NHS
- good news from the ultra sound - goodness we needed some good news
- my Nigel - I couldn't do any of this without him. I pray I never have to try.
