I am a Christmas girl at heart - it is a time of year I love. I love the preparations, the music, the smells, the lights, the decorations.
This year I am not feeling it.
This year it is hard.
This year I am spinning out of control with my anxiety levels worse than they have ever been and finally admitting that the depression is winning at the moment.
It has been an awful year for everyone. Everyone has lost so much - their freedoms, their day to day life, their plans, their holidays and, in many many cases, their jobs, their homes and worst of all their loved ones. I know I am far more fortunate than many and I know I just need to be grateful but depression isn't always rational is it.
I haven’t been an easy person to be with for the last few weeks and Nigel has been a saint. He holds me whilst I sob and he comforts me as best as he can but it just has to work itself out. And I can’t even articulate quite what it is. It is everything. It’s the loss of almost a year, it’s the loss of my babies, it’s the fear something will happen and we can’t welcome the kittens, it’s the fear that when we do something might happen to them. It’s the fear of my own mortality and worse still of Nigel’s. It’s a million little things that join together to form a cloud that most of the time I can blow away with cheerfulness and distraction and counting my many many blessings but sometimes you just can’t piece yourself back together. There must be literally millions of people feeling like this in this country, and millions more worldwide. The pandemic hasn’t only left its mark with the illness itself but with everything else that has happened because of it, because of lockdown, because of health issues being deferred, because of financial worries, because of fear and isolation.
Be gentle with everyone you meet because everyone is fighting their own battles and they need to be loved and supported more than anything.
I haven’t done any scrapping other than my journal and much of what I am feeling is hidden in flaps under the pages.
Take care everyone - be gentle with yourselves and with each other because this year we all need that little bit extra.
Sending hugs, your kittens will be along soon and nothing cheers someone up more than a kittens sticky up tail xx
Posted by: Jaci S | December 13, 2020 at 05:23 PM