Farewell Elfin

 

This is a post of very mixed feelings. First and foremost I have sad, yet also in an odd way less sad news to share. Nigel's mom passed away yesterday quite suddenly. Elfin was a remarkable lady. She had been widowed when she was only in her 50s and found it incredibly hard to be without her beloved soul mate. She struggled for many years with loneliness and Nigel was a constant support. He is the only one of her three sons who remained living near by and so he was the point of contact for everything and he never minded doing anything for her. In the late 1990's she moved from her flat to a new warden assisted flat int the centre of Bournemouth and it was life-transforming for her. Since being widowed it was her happiest time. She was central to everything, had a much better social life with friends, could walk everywhere, enjoy travelling on the buses all over the area and was genuinely happy. She was a dancer from a child and a professional ballet dancer she met Nigel's father when they were both on stage in review shows. She continued to love dancing all her life, taking up line dancing in her 70s and her goal was to dance on her 90th birthday - which she did. In her late 80s, she would often teach the line dancing class when the teacher was away. And she walked for miles, every day. Being so fit and active made it doubly hard when the horribly cruel disease of vascular dementia and Alzheimers started to steal her life away from her. After her 90th birthday, we slowly started to notice a few 'odd things' and sadly it escalated in jumps until she became very anxious, confused and disorientated. Nigel's brothers would visit when they were able to, Jim and his wife Diane taking all of their vacation time in the UK to be with her as much as they could and Sean and his wife Viv and Elfin's grandchildren would come and visit. Her granddaughter Fiona would come down often to stay with her gran and in fact was down just a week before the home closed for the virus. Nigel would take care of all of her needs on a day to day basis from shopping to arranging things for her to of course being with her. We had carers going in twice daily to support her and, in fairness, we knew it could not carry on like that for much longer when in October 2018 the decision was taken out of her hands. Deciding to take a midnight walk, she fell and broke her hip and was admitted to hospital. She had a hip replacement but really never gained any mobility back - it is very hard to do physio and therapy with a dementia patient. After much pleading on Nigel's part they eventually agreed rather than sending her home they would send her into respite care and we found the perfect care home by pure chance. She moved into White Lodge in Boscombe, a very small, family-run, beautifully loving and caring home where she really was loved and cared for. She never returned home and, as time went on dementia stole more and more of the Elfin we knew and loved. She was still there but she often couldn't find words, but would look at her sons with love when they visited - she never lost them, she never forgot who they were even if she couldn't name them. She knew they were her boys.

Nigel's last visit to her was sadly in the middle of March, the day they closed the care home because of the Covid-19 virus. We knew it was the right decision to close for everyone's sake but it was hard for Nigel not to be able to make his usual visit and he missed seeing her. She had been a bit poorly this week and we had spoken to the doctor twice and to the staff in the home, but it was still a shock when we heard she passed away on Saturday morning.

I said it was mixed blessings. We are both terribly sad that she has passed, but Nigel's view is that he said a long slow goodbye to his mom a long time ago. And there is a sense of relief that she is not suffering any longer. No-one knows what goes on in a dementia patient's head. Do they know they are not able to express themselves? Do they feel lost and confused even though they can't vocalise it? Do they hurt? We don't know. What we do know is that she is now at peace, reunited with her beloved Ricky and that she is no longer suffering anything at all. She was 95 and for most of those years, life had been happy for her.

It is hard to arrange a funeral in these strange times, but Nigel has already done most of what he can at the moment and, in the coming days and weeks will work through all the associated admin that sadly goes with the loss of a loved one. He has a wonderfully rich life with her to look back on filled with so many happy memories.

 

The photos and scrapbook pages here are dedicated to our Elfin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Barb in AK]

Nigel and Karen,
I am saddened to hear of Elfin's passing.
Words are hard to come by at this time.
I know your love and care for her was always with your full hearts.
Seeing her so often in your photos and layouts on this blog
helped me to see her beauty, graciousness, and poise.
I know she will be sorely missed by your entire family.
May God be with you to comfort you and strengthen you both.
You are in my prayers. Barb

[Mary]

So sorry to hear about the loss of Nigel's mum. My thought and prayers are with you both at this sad time.
.what lovely photo’s with lots of memories of some of those happy times in her life,and the beautiful scrapbook pages you have made in her memory

[Mike Smith]

Dear Nigel & Karen,
I was saddened to hear about your mum's passing, Nij. You shared many a memory of her with me since we became friends. She lived a long and happy life and had a great son to care for her along the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. God Bless and stay strong, for mum!
Your buddy,
Mike